Self-love
Written by Julie DeVore | Grace Baptist Member
Good Desire – Wrong Solutions
In a culture that exalts the self, how do we think about issues of self-love, self-worth, fulfillment, purpose, and insecurity? Does the world get it right when it offers solutions like self-love and body positivity? Would insecurity be eradicated if only I loved myself more? Would I experience more fulfillment if I had more self-love? Does God care about my feelings of worthlessness? These are reasonable questions to ask in a society inundated with articles, greeting cards, T-shirts, games, professional development emails, books, therapy, social media, and fitness mantras all promoting self-love.
I think every reader can relate to the desire to feel a sense of self-worth, fulfillment, and purpose in life. In fact, that’s not a wrong desire. However, it is easy to respond to a good desire with wrong solutions. We must exercise discernment before blindly accepting these philosophies. Let us engage our minds and look to the Bible in our search for worth and purpose. Do not settle for cheap solutions when God offers us a rich identity in Christ.
Self-love In Context
If you are familiar with your Bible, the first passage that will come to mind regarding self-love is probably Matthew 22. This passage is often misquoted by those who say that self-love is essential for a thriving life. However, to understand this passage accurately, let's begin by looking at the context. In Matthew 22, Jesus is being challenged by the religious leaders (Sadducees and Pharisees). As both religious groups sought to trap Jesus with theological questions, a lawyer came forward to ask Jesus a question (Matthew 22:35). The Pharisee said,
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:36-40, ESV).
With just a few surrounding verses, the meaning of the text becomes clear. The emphasis is on the first commandment, which is to love the Lord your God with everything you have. This love is a jealous love, isolated to God alone; there are no contenders. It could be characterized by worship, adoration, and affection. This love should flow from one's entire heart, entire soul, and entire mind. Any love that contends with this first and greatest love is a misordered, idolatrous love. Don’t miss the first emphasis of this passage; it doesn’t leave room for the self.
Misordered Loves
Then Jesus goes on to offer a second challenge: love for others. This is the verse people often jump to. Matthew 22:39 says, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Notice in this verse that self-love is given as an example of how to love others, not as a commandment.
Jesus is challenging their current order of love. It’s as if he’s saying, you already love yourself in a way that should be shown to others. This sentence should be convincting, not self-love justifying. One commentator explains, “As yourself assumes, rather than commands a basically self-centred orientation, which Jesus requires his disciples to overcome.”[1] This statement does not promote self-love; instead, it challenges it. It challenges us to love others as deeply as the love you inherently show yourself.
“If self-love were as important as therapists and philosophers claim, Scripture would have spoken differently about it. But instead Scripture warns that self-love is a selfish pursuit, devoid of God.”
For example, you know when you are hungry, when you are tired, when you need something. Do you know others that well? Do you show that level of care and concern for your friends as you do for your own body? Beware of misordered loves.
Warning Against Self-love
Another important passage to consider on the topic of self-love is 2 Timothy 3:1-2,4-5. In this passage, Timothy writes, “In the last days, there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self…lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”
In this passage, it is clear that self-love is neither encouraged nor even tolerated; instead, it is warned against. Scripture goes so far as to say that one should avoid people who are pursuing self-love. If self-love were as important as therapists and philosophers claim, Scripture would have spoken differently about it. But instead Scripture warns that self-love is a selfish pursuit, devoid of God. It appears righteous but lacks godliness. Countless other passages in the Bible emphasize the pursuit of the love of God rather than the self. For more research, please consider 1 John, Philippians 2, and Luke 9:23. However, let’s spend the rest of our time understanding what Scripture does say about a biblical pursuit of self-worth.
Antidote to Self-love
We cannot disarm the self-love philosophies without providing a better antidote to concerns about human worth and identity. In fact, we must acknowledge the reality that many people wake up each day depressed and consumed by feelings of worthlessness; there is a desperate need for hope and truth on this subject. Part of loving others includes sharing the hope that we have in God with those who are struggling.
The good news is that these realities of human pain and struggles with identity do not go unseen by our Heavenly Father. God cares so compassionately about mankind’s heart, emotions, pain, and feelings of worthlessness (2 Corinthians 1:3-7). God loves his creation so much that he offers a rich and fulfilling identity when we look to him as the creator and author of our lives (1 John 4:9, Romans 5:8).
Who We Are
To find true worth and an unshakeable identity, we need to start by understanding what it means to be made in the image of God. This phrase is often taken for granted or not understood. We must learn what it means and how to speak truth to our hearts and minds when we are bombarded with lies about our value. Do not settle for cheap solutions to human worth when we are given a wealth of treasure in God’s Word.
When we fail to understand our purpose as image bearers, we look within ourselves for meaning. But Scripture calls us to look outside of ourselves to God for purpose. Low self-esteem, insecurity, confusion, and purposelessness will grow rampant in a heart that looks inside itself for meaning. To resolve feelings of worthlessness, one must reorient one's perspective of God, which, in turn, will reorient one's perspective of oneself.
What Our Identity Means
This reordering of love (worship) helps us to understand who God is. Then, when we know who God is, it changes our priorities and our perspective of ourselves. In turn, our lives become filled with a rich identity in Christ that cannot be shaken, because our priorities have changed from self to God. Your insecurity is not a self-confidence problem; it is a worship problem.
Let’s consider a simplistic example of this. I recognize many insecurity issues can be deep-rooted, painful, and complex, but let’s flesh this out in a simple scenario.
An individual who is consumed with their athletic performance experiences insecurity and anxiety. They are consumed with themself and constantly doing anything they can to perform better on the team. They practice hard and put themselves through strenuous athletic challenges beyond what their coach recommends. They find their worth based on their performance on the court. When they perform well, they feel confident and excited; when they perform poorly, they feel worthless and like a disappointment to the team. They are often stressed, insecure, experience minor panic attacks, and face depression after poor athletic performances. They easily become jealous when other teammates excel.
However, an athlete whose first love and focus are on God experiences confidence and a secure identity. They are not prideful, but humble and confident. When they perform well, they thank God for giving them the ability to play. They are other-focused and constantly encouraging their teammates. They rejoice over their teammates' victories, even when it's to their own detriment. When they perform poorly, their sense of self-worth remains healthy because they recognize their value is not based on performance. They derive identity from who they worship and belong to — that being God. They realize their life is more than a performance; it is about glorifying God from their heart, whether they win or lose. They recognize that their purpose is to be a light and encouragement to their teammates. They work hard at practice and steward their body well, while also taking appropriate rest days. Living within God’s created purpose for their life brings fulfillment that cannot be shaken by performance, gossip, injury, failure, or anything else. They know who they are in Christ.
These two examples illustrate how misordered loves can affect our identity. In Genesis 1:27, we learn that God created mankind in His own image. This language is unique from everything else that God created. The term "image" was used in the ancient Near East to describe a vassal or king who conquered a city and took dominion over it.[2] During that time, a ruler would set up an icon of himself so that the surrounding people knew who had authority over the land. Humans are the image of God; they are a representative of God’s rule, authority, and love. Mankind is like an ambassador for God.
Our Created Purpose
As mankind represents God on earth, this brings him glory. As we live out our created purpose, our heart worship becomes properly ordered. No longer is the self the center of our pursuit. Instead, God takes the throne of our hearts. When God is the center of our worship, our own concern about self-worth dissipates in the desire to glorify God.
The danger of self-love is that it keeps an individual self-consumed. But true peace, confidence, and fulfillment are found in the pursuit of God’s glory and not our own. This reordered love does not lead to self-deprecation. Instead, it leads to a secure identity that cannot be taken away. This is a concept Richard Lints explains well in his book Identity and Idolatry. He writes:
The shape of the canonical story suggests that the overriding relation of the image (humans) to the original (triune God) is that of worship, honour, completion and satisfaction, and conversely suggests the subverting of that relationship of the image to original is that of perversion, corruption, consumption and possession… the image (humankind) finds its telos (purpose) in the honouring relationship to the original (God the Creator).[3]
True fulfillment is found when the created image reflects its Creator. However, when the image seeks purpose within, it is left corrupted and consumed by itself.
“When God is the center of our worship, our own concern about self-worth dissipates in the desire to glorify God.”
To whom or what are you looking for identity and purpose? If the answer to that is anything but God, you are likely dissatisfied, insecure, and longing for more. As much as family, friends, jobs, money, marriage, etc. are good gifts, these things were never intended to satisfy your heart. They are not where we were designed to derive purpose and worth from. Insecurity is a result of misinformed thinking of God, which leads to misinformed thinking of self. Align your thinking of God, and you will align your thinking of self. Look to the good and gracious Creator who has infused our lives with meaning and purpose as we live for his glory and not our own. Rest in the overwhelming goodness of God's love and the rich identity he graciously offers. Owen Strachan, in the book Reenchanting Humanity, wrote,
We cannot start with platitudes that inflate our self-esteem. In recapturing human worth and human dignity, we begin where the Bible begins: with mankind, made in the image of God…our purpose as human beings is not to exist for ourselves. Our purpose is to be living doxology, living glory to God.[4]
Truly, what a joy and privilege it is to live for the King of the Universe. Understanding the privilege of resembling the Creator is something we take for granted. Spend some time reflecting and praising God for his goodness in creating you and allowing you the honor of being his image bearer. Ask God to help you seek his glory and not your own. Praise God that he graciously gives us a sense of fulfillment and unshakeable identity as we live out our purpose to glorify him. Thank Jesus for His sacrificial love that he showed us while we were yet sinners. What a good and gracious God we serve.
[1] R.T. France, Matthew: An Introduction and Commentary (Nottingham, England: Inter-Varsity Press; Intervarsity Press, 2015), 323.
[2] Miles V. Van Pelt, A Biblical-Theological Introduction to The Old Testament: The Gospel Promised (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2016), 51.
[3] Richard Lints, Identity and Idolatry: The Image of God and Its Inversion, ed. D.A. Carson (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2015), 29.
[4] Owen Strachan, Reenchanting Humanity: A Theology of Mankind (Fearn: Mentor, 2019), 47.